Y2K Humor

I overdosed on Y2K forums last night and had to write this before I could get to sleep. I've lost my sense of humor about Y2K, so I'm not sure if this is funny or just bitter. No offense...

As a neurosurgeon, I feel it's necessary announce today that my patient Bob Evans has been diagnosed with a tumor at the base of the skull. Left untreated, this tumor will cause paralysis and eventually death. I have to blame this on the entire medical industry for not forcing Bob to come in for regular checkups. I predict Bob will have after-effects from the surgery for a couple of years, followed by a decade of depression. That's if the surgery works. Only about 80% actually do, and those cost far more than we expected. Sigh. Why does anyone go to a doctor, anyway?

-- Dr. Omen (Omen@cancerkills.com), March 20, 1999.

I'm an economist, not a doctor, so I have to compare this to something economic, even though it has nothing to do with economics. Much like oil flows to all parts of the country, nerve impulses travel from Bob's head to all parts of his body. Now a cartel of cells has formed in Bob's neck and threatened to cut off these impulses. Based on this analogy, I predict that Bob has a 10% chance of losing feeling in his toes, a 45% chance of losing his entire lower body, and 15% chance of losing everything below the neck. So I rate the chances of some kind of paralysis at 70%. Of course, based on our experience with the '73 oil crisis, I expect this paralysis to pass, and for Bob to be running the marathon in 2003. Of course, nerves aren't really much like oil, so perhaps this analogy isn't valid. The bottom line is no one knows what's going to happen.

-- Dr. Houdini (Houdini@bigbank.com), March 20, 1999.

I've spent my entire career consulting on this cancer business, and I've been warning people like Bob to go to the doctor for the last ten years. In fact, if you could afford my speaking fee, I would have told you and all your friends to go to the doctor too. Fortunately, Bob did go to the doctor and now his cancer looks to be no worse than a broken back. Would you like to hear me talk about that?

-- Peter Da Great (JustGreat@AlwaysRight.com), March 20, 1999.

As a lawyer, I have to warn Dr. Omen against making unwarranted and possibly upsetting statements in public about Bob Evans. You should have signed, notarized permissions from Bob, his family, and any members of the audience who might become upset. Not to mention that by making such statements, you may become liable for the losses of any other persons who rush out to doctors and request treatment for cancer. And of course if you do in fact perform surgery on Mr. Evans (or decline to do so), you have made yourself liable for his continued health for the next 100 years.

We realize that non-lawyers find even these simple rules difficult to abide by. That's why we recommend that our clients take a lawyer with them wherever they go. In fact, the most convenient arrangement is for the lawyer to ride on the clients’ shoulders, and for the client to be equipped with bridle and gag. This allows the lawyer to quickly suppress any actionable statements by the client. Ask about our reasonable rates!

-- Helpful (ItsTheLaw@DevilYouKnow.com), March 20, 1999.

I don't see why Bob Evans had to go to one of those fancy "doctors" anyway. They dress things up, calling it a "Anaplastic astrocytoma", but a tumor is just an overgrown wart. I've been in the wart-removal business for years, and I've probably removed thousands of warts! Hell, I've probably removed a hundred from my own body! I'd be happy to do the same for Bob Evans. And to those who say that this wart will eventually kill Bob, forget it! Warts, scabs and scars are part of normal health and nothing to get excited about.

-- Sam's Medical Consulting (sam@NothingToIt.com), March 20, 1999.

At Warts-Be-Gone, we sell a home wart-removal kit which is state of the art. Including our soon-to-be-patented BrightLights(tm) and SharpObjects(tm) technology, you can remove your own warts without the slightest bit of medical knowledge. Of course, your results may vary and we cannot guarantee 100% success. Not tested on tumors.

-- We'll Sell Anything (marketing@WartsBeGone.com), March 20, 1999.

This is all bullsh*t! Here in Really Flat, Arizona, we live 1000 miles from the nearest doctor. But who cares? We can't afford them anyway! But listen, to get rid of a wart, just take your knife, heat it in a good, strong campfire, spit on it (cause your own germs are stronger than any foreign germs that might still be on the blade), and cut away! (You might want to get drunk first.) If you are a real wuss, you can have your wife do it. Just make sure she's in a good mood first, if you know what I mean....

And if it is cancer, don't worry about it. I don't know why people get so concerned about their central nervous system anyway. I hardly use mine.

-- I Will Survive! (cowboy@ReallyFlat.com), March 20, 1999.

Bob should just accept that he's going to become paralyzed and look for ways to live a full life with reduced mobility. Although there won't be much left that he can enjoy, and life will be a struggle, he could take up a hobby, like sorting buttons with his nose! Whatever happens, I'm sure Bob will be happy to know that I'm praying for him.

-- Anna (polly@BestOfAllPossible.com), March 20, 1999.

Don't pray for Bob! His cancer is his own fault, due to reliance on medical science! It's time we all returned to a simpler way of life where people just died of cancer the way God intended. Especially people like Bob with checking accounts and credit cards, who mistakenly placed their faith in fractional reserve banking. During the Middle Ages, the Bubonic Plague wiped out half of Europe, leaving it a better place. In the same way, I'm sure that even as we speak, Bob is spreading cancer to his immoral, credit-using friends.

-- Saved (saved@NorthByNorthwest.com), March 20, 1999.

You people need to get a life! Cancer is a myth created by doctors to justify expensive operations! Show me someone who will die of cancer in six months! And I want to *see* the cancer. None of this "indirect evidence" like biopsy slides you have to look at in a microscope, or MRI pictures displayed on computer screens! I want to see Bob's cancer first hand. And even that would only convince me that Bob has cancer, not that other people will get it!

If you guys weren't all doom and gloom, you'd know there's no point in believing in anything that can't jump up and bite you on the ass!

-- Skeptic (skeptic@noway.com), March 20, 1999.

Can someone please explain cancer to me in nonmedical terms that anyone can understand? And could you tell me how to avoid getting it? And what to do if I did get it? And what the odds of survival for cancer are? And will it get worse? And do you know if Bob is going to die (I hope not!)

-- Terry (newbie1988799@aol.com), March 20, 1999.

Our report tonight -- cancer of the neck. Tonight we look at Bob Evans, an ordinary guy with an extraordinary problem -- cancer of the neck! This is where so-called "cells" in the neck just "go wild" and make a mess! Some experts say this is nothing to worry about. Others think Bob will die slowly and horribly. Our poll says that the public has never even heard of Bob! This concludes our in-depth report.

-- DEF News (def@themedia.com), March 20, 1999.

I want to emphasize that Bob's cancer is nothing to panic over. Yes, the cancer has now invaded several of his lymph nodes, and he needs chemotherapy, which he cannot afford. But that only takes a few days. Think of it as like being stuck inside an x-ray machine during a bad winter storm! Besides, we cure cancer all the time! It's panic we don't know how to deal with! Next thing you know, Bob will be taking all his money out of the bank to pay doctors. Where would we be if everyone with cancer did that?

-- John Costoverun (dearjohn@notcancer.gov), March 20, 1999.

There's been a lot of loose talk on the Internet about people dying of cancer. Due to unwarranted concern on the part of the public, the Senate has had many hearings on this matter. And unlike the Internet, where so-called experts can report their concerns anonymously, the Senate hearings have requested doctors come forward and publicly rate their own competence! Based on our findings, I can safely say that although cancer is not to be taken lightly, we can get through this. In the case of Bob Evans, we're just dealing with a bump. A bump in the neck! And doctors have assured us that lots of people just like Bob, but without cancer, go on to lead productive lives.

-- Senators Bob & Chris (twins@senate.gov), March 20, 1999.

by Michael Goodfellow.
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